Lost

There are times when you feel lost.
Your brain stops thinking. Your mind is empty. Nothing good on TV, keep flicking on the channel. No new update on your friends' FB or blog. Nothing nice (and cheap) on blogshop. No pending holidays. Oncalls seem dreadful. Even work seems pointless. No joy in life.

You feel lost.

There's no joy in the things you used to like.

There are things unsettled in life. But you dont have any power in it. Or you've tried so hard, but nothing changed. You get tired of it. Blargh!

I NEED SOMETHING NEW IN LIFE!

A HOLIDAY! MOVING INTO NEW HOUSE! A NEW JOB!!(?) SOMETHING TO LOOK FROWARD TO..DONT CARE IF ITS AN EXAM!!

Man in white

Dream, subconscious, or reality.

Saw a man in white, entered my room the other night. Or early morning.

Was back from the E&T, attending a case at 2am. Went to sleep. Suddenly woke up, seeing a man in white, opened my bedroom door, and entered. He then prayed next to my bed. I was shaking with fear. Tried to open my mouth, saying prayers and istighfar, but cant seem to open my mouth.

Then he saw me in fear. Put his hand on my chest to calm me down. I was calm indeed after that. He did said something, but I forgot what was it about. Something about my husband.

Then he went out. And he entered again. And I was afraid again. Then he's gone. Tried my best to wake myself up. And when I did, I was gasping, finally the word Astaghfirullahalazim escaped my mouth!

Dont know whether its a good one, or a bad one. You know, the syaitan can disguise as anyone..

Sigh...

"Ya Allah ya Tuhanku, lindungilah aku daripada syaitan yang direjam, serta orang-orang yang dengki..dari kesesatan dan kekufuran...dari malapetaka dan marabahaya..amin."

LOA.

I dont think its the work that stressed me out. Nor the calls, or the ignorant patient.

Its the boredom. Of staying alone. Doing nothing after work. Or over the free weekend.

Lately, few people noted I've loose weight. Even my mum said I was "underweight" when I went back for Raya last month. Well, me losing weight is not intentional. I myself noted how I had lose my appetite. Though at times, I craved eating this and that. But when the food presented to me, I had only a bite, or half the plate..and thats it. I suddenly felt full. Even nauseous when I'm too full. And I passed motion immediately after each meal.

This has been ongoing since before Ramadhan. Cant explain whats going on.

Worm infestations? Unlikely. Stress? Possibly. Pregnancy? Definitely not. Cancer? Hopefully not.

Boredom? Could be.

I do have cravings. Eating my favourite dishes. Tapi kenapa? Kenapa tak dapat habiskan??

Hmmm...

Anyway, thank God I'm still 50kg. Anything lower than that should alarmed me...

tali gantung

Terlalu banyak kes bunuh nowadays.

Baru2 ni keluar berita pasal sorang lelaki yang membunuh sorang wanita dan anak lakinya, dengan mensuffocate diorang dengan kain sarung, selepas merompak. Last2 dapat hukuman gantung.

Dan jugak lelaki yang pijak anak awek dia sampai mati. Kena hukuman gantung gak.

Lepas tu kes pembunuhan Macik Nouvelles Visages and few others. Itu memang kene hukuman gantung. Kalo bole siat2, kerat2 badan diorang, before digantung, supaya dapat merasa betapa sadisnya kesakitan yang diorang inflict towards the victims..

Ingat diorang ni tuhan ke, sukati bunuh2 orang??

spit those tips

Now you know how it feels...becoming an MO..thats it.

Menarik when you browse through FB, and seeing all these posts by your ex-HO colleague, on their struggle being an MO..

Pindah rumah, settle in, tengok patient yang banyak kerenah, susah nak cuti, oncall EODs, operating patient with minimal or no supervision, terpaksa refer case dengan specialist yang kerek..bla bla bla..

Tapi satu je yang kurang..less bitching pasal HO lain yang pemalas/tak guna/kaki ampu..haha..

Survival tips:
1. Learn the languange, get to know the people..
2. Be nice, but dont be friendly..otherwise they will end up requesting to see you on their next visits..
3. Old patients with multiple complains dont need lots of explanations..when symptoms are minor i.e no danger signs, best thing to do is to say.. "Macik dah TUA, biasa la tu.." and with good reassurance, they will accept that fact..
4. Common things are common. Management should be at the tip of your finger. Dont spend too much time on simple URTI or even a CVA. Thats how you survive busy oncalls..
5. Practice makes perfect. Just because you'd never done appendicectomy before doesnt mean you are totally incapable of doing one..
6. A must in all district hospital in to see one, do one and teach one..
7. Take a break. Even if the morning session clinic is not done by lunchtime yet, take a break. To hell la kalo patient marah, you are one person seeing hundreds of them..let them do the math..
8. The SN and MAs are more experienced than you, no doubt about that. Ask what need to be asked, but never let them forget who's the doctor..
9. Always bring a copy of OHCM or the Black Book around..
10. Work in Limbang. Miri Specialist are super nice, agreed by everyone who works here and in MGH.. haha..

Take care. Selamat Hari Raya, and Maaf Zahir Batin.

MRCOG

I've realised that I've wasted my time in Limbang for not studying anything that I want to major in..

Thats because, I dont know what I want to do until recently.

I believe O&G is the ONE for me... I dont know..maybe dealing with female patient is less distressing than dealing with male patients. I tend to get all stressed up and sadly, biased, when it comes to male patients. Sorry, I'm no sexist, but male patients tend to be more annoying and aggressive when they're in pain..thats why most of them are such a pain in the arse.

Believe it or not, I have soft spot for pregnant ladies. I tend to be more soft spoken, cheerful around them, and amazingly more confident when it comes to dealing with their problem. Some even cried when I tried to calm them and explained to them when they have PV bleeding..as my SN told me " suara Dr M ni mendayu2 sangat, sampai patient pun terharu..." (yeah, laugh at me if you want to, Wani..)

Of course, I'm no expert..but with a little bit of this and that, makes me better than before. As a HO, I was crap..

And I realised that doing O&G means high risk of litigation..

Since doing Master programme is a bit farstretched (as priority is given to the more senior MO), I aimed to take the MRCOG Part 1 next year. That means, buying MRCOG books this coming KL trip, applying for the study course in Manipal this November, maybe should browse around for Ultrasound course, if there's any, and finally, study hard which is going to be easy breezy, since the only distraction I have around here in Limbang is myself..hehe..

And maybe get myself insured..and join the MMA..heh..

subpoenaed

Attended a court case today, as a witness.

Experience was WOW... although it was a small hearing, not like those in movies, where there are lots of people, jury, press, high profile case involving murder bla bla bla..

Still its an important case..a human trafficking case..ever saw TAKEN?

Anyway, I was punctual. Plus 1 to me.
But then the Judge told me to wear something formal next time. Plus 1 Judge. I didnt realised it was a formal sitting. I was contemplating of wearing baju kurung, but I didnt. Was going to grab my suit, but I forgot..because I was rushing to get my medical report transcript.
And few plusses to the Judge, for talking to fast (I end up having staccato speech), for using too many medical term (I end up spelling CERVIX to the judge)..

It was a great experience. Its like final med year viva, all over again. Luckily I Googled few things the night before, about what they might ask me. And all my "spot questions" came out..haha..

It was surreal. Now, I'd experienced what all doctor should experienced.. death of a patient, performing CPR, operating a patient, post mortem, prisoners caning and finally witness for a court case... nice...

PS: Did an open appendicectomy today, in 39 minutes...